What to Do When Your Spouse Has ADHD
Untreated ADHD can impact adults in many ways — from disorganization at work to relationship struggles at home. When it comes to relationships, ADHD can have a significant impact on marriages.
There’s good news though: the reality is that you can thrive and your marriage can grow and be healthy. Here at Next Step 4 ADHD, we’re dedicated to helping you thrive with coaching, medication, therapy, and on-going support. If your spouse is newly diagnosed with ADHD, you might have many questions, and that’s okay. We can help.
In the meantime, we’ve created this guide to help you learn a little bit more about how ADHD can impact a marriage.
How Does ADHD Affect Marriage?
ADHD can affect marriage in a variety of ways. “It shows up different ways in different marriages. Sometimes it affects communication. Sometimes it affects the family finances. And sometimes it can lead to deeply, deeply seated resentments in the marriages,” says Dr. Briscoe.
Even though ADHD impacts relationships, you can still have a healthy, thriving marriage. The first step is to acknowledge all of the ways that ADHD is affecting your marriage.
Here are a few ways that ADHD impacts marriage.
For the non-affected spouse (i.e., the person who does not have ADHD):
- Can harbor some resentment over having to take responsibility for: finishing off projects, ensuring appointments are kept, picking up the house, tying off loose ends, planning, paying bills, etc.
- Can get stuck in an unhealthy role of a “parent” figure in the relationship, which eventually leads to resentment within the spouse with ADHD.
- May come to see their partner as “lazy” or “irresponsible.”
For the affected spouse (i.e., the person who has ADHD):
- May feel a sense of shame or guilt over not completing projects, dropping balls, or maintaining certain forms of employment.
- May feel like “a failure.”
- May grow to resent the non-ADHD’s partner’s subtle comments RE: his or her perceived mistakes or failures.
- May act on impulse and engage in promiscuous or risky behaviors that place the marriage in jeopardy.
- Because ADHD can one’s ability to regulate both attention and emotion, the spouse with ADHD may experience emotions very intensely and have a difficult time reigning them in quickly. Emotional dysregulation, if present, can have an effect on the flow of conversations, the discourse of arguments, and relationships in general. (Learn how to regulate emotions here.)
If both spouses have ADHD:
Dr. Briscoe reminds us that ADHD doesn’t necessarily just impact one spouse. Sometimes both spouses might have it. “If both partners in a relationship have ADHD, things can be interesting. Sometimes fun, but also a little chaotic at times,” he says.
I Just Found Out My Spouse Has ADHD… How Do We Move Forward As a Couple?
The scenario is all too common:
- Spouse without ADHD: “I’m the only one around here who does anything. Why can’t you just do the one thing I ask?”
- Spouse with ADHD: “I don’t want to be around so much nagging.”
When ADHD is untreated among one (or both) spouses, it can lead to increased frustrations, arguments, and even distancing (or walling up). Unmanaged ADHD can lead to disharmonious situations including:
- One partner acting like “the parent” of the other spouse
- Frequent fights or squabbles
- The feeling like one spouse is “tuned out” of the marriage
- Arguments about finances, household chores, or to-do lists
- Sexual dissatisfaction
- The feeling of inadequacy or letting the other spouse down
Unhappiness and marital dysfunction can result as a result of these issues. However, receiving a proper diagnosis is the first step on the path towards healing the individual as well as the marriage. For example, a spouse might have called his/her partner “lazy” but — with a diagnosis — now understands that unmanaged ADHD was creating challenges and obstacles in the relationship.
So how do you move forward as a couple?
“Couples’ therapy can be very helpful for marriages affected by ADHD,” says Dr. Brian Briscoe. In addition to couples’ therapy, it’s important for couples to learn more about ADHD itself (including about ADHD treatment options) as well as how ADHD affects marriages. Reading books can be a great way to learn strategies for rebuilding your marriage.
Dr. Briscoe also recommends The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps. Dr. Briscoe continues, “Melissa Orlov is a respected author who has written a number of books on the topic of ADHD and marriage and the effects of ADHD on couples. Her texts are widely read and recommended by many therapists and physicians across the country.” In fact, HuffPost lists this book as “one of the top 15 books recommended by therapists.”
My Spouse Has ADHD. How Do I Support a Partner with ADHD?
The first way to support a spouse with ADHD (or any other mental health condition) is to educate yourself on the condition. Dr. Briscoe continues, “If your spouse has ADHD, the first thing that you can do first is to learn everything you can about adult ADHD. A good starting point is Ed Hallowell’s book Driven from Distraction. Then read Melissa Orlov’s books on Marriage and ADHD.
The more you understand what is going on with your spouse, the more you will be able to empathize with his or her situation.”
Next, take some time to sit down with your spouse.
- Ask them “Tell me what it is like to walk in your shoes.” “Tell me what it is like living with ADHD.”
- Don’t say a word. Just listen.
- If you have to say something, ask followup questions to gain a deeper understanding of their experience.
- Listen to understand, not to fix.
- Try to truly understand every aspect of what their life and world is like living with this condition.
Revisit this conversation every once in a while. This exercise will not only show your spouse that you truly care about them (and score you some big points in the love bucket), but also help you to truly understand them- so that the next time that you feel frustrated when they drop the ball, run late, or just plain blow it, you will naturally have a higher level of patience and peace.”
“Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle. And if you really want to see what people are, all you have to do is look.”
– Auggie Pullman. Wonder 2017.
Is ADHD Impacting Your Marriage?
About Dr. Briscoe
Dr. Brian Briscoe is a board-certified psychiatrist and the medical director of adult programs at Next Step 4 ADHD. Dr. Briscoe was voted a “Top Doctor” by Louisville Magazine. You can make an appointment with Dr. Briscoe here .